18 posts tagged “moral of the story is...”

there have been many times in life when i don't know when i have a good thing.
today is one of them.
i have been humbled.
thank you.

early.
so like i've been telling everyone who's been asking, thanksgiving day was today, US columbus day, so i did the honors of making turkey. for the first time. and it turned out fkn good. like really fkn good.
i cooked it stuffed with apples and onions and poured cheap champagne all over it.
we had so much leftovers, its probably going to last until the end of the week :D
and we had rice, and gravy and the germans made some potato thing that was really good too :D we had some chocolate cake that one of them made :D
they recorded like me sticking my hand and forearm up the turkeys ass, and they took tons of pictures, they even decorated the table with candles and leaves from outside :D because i they don't celebrate thanksgiving in germany, its just a north american thing i guess.
it was lovely and warm and comforting and cozy and it felt a little like thanksgiving back home :D

i'm doing this instead of doing homework :( i've literally been procrastinating all fkn weekend :( :( :(
but i got an 88% on my chem final! YES! :D finally, actually a good grade :D its like an A+ in mcgill grading scale.
my other midterms really not that good, but according to mcgill grading scale, i got a B- on physics (67%) and eh, i got an F on bio, but then my bio prof is being really lenient and nice and allowing us to make it up by reading three chapters of the book and turning in one page summaries to get 3 marks on the test. which will boost my grade to a B. 
i have a calc midterm tomorrow which i literally am not studying for at all. period. because this shizz is so easy, well more like i know it because i learned it so many times which in fact makes me sound like a retard.
but im thankful, because that means i don't have to work as hard for it :]

so what am i thankful for this fine evening?
my friends back home and all over the place who i (thankfully!) still can talk to without noticing the distance between us, who i can still talk to about anything and everything, and are there for me when no one here can be
my family back home who are literally supporting me in everything right now
my experiences so far, being able to come here, being able to live here, being able to survive here, and being able to enjoy every single minute of it
the things i have learned, about life, people, places, relationships, and how to deal with it
the new friends i have at this moment, whether or not i'll be friends with them in a week, two weeks, a month, next year, at least they are here for me, with me, here and now
and being able to feel thankful, and grateful, and just wonder at all the things i have to be thankful for and how well i really am living

all i need now to top all this off is black friday. :( i miss you dirt-cheap-electronics-deals :(

bites me in the ass, big time, again.

so its not like i'm being a complete bitch to madeline, or really treating her any differently than she treats me, basically with indifference and ignorance (really, if i don't say good morning or hi, she just won't talk to me).
but today, i was a complete and total idiot and printed out and did the prelab for the next lab, not this one, so i basically walked into my chem lab completely and totally unaware and unprepared.
she was nice enough to share her stuff with me, let me copy her data chart and even use her calculator.
today, i survived the lab completely and totally on other peoples' generousity.
most of it of madeline, who sat next to me because we were matched up as chem lab partners.
and thats going to be switched at each of our requests.

what a mixed bag of feelings. :/

but i have learned my lesson. whatever it was supposed to be, among the numerous things i did.
i just got a huge dose of humiliation.

on the other hand...
i love how i can just tell how a girl is some guy's boyfriend based on how they stare at me as i pass by with discerning and critical eyes. i could just feel defensive territorial instincts rise off this girl in waves.
she doesn't know me, i've never even talked to her boyfriend.
i guess thats a confidence boost.

surprisingly, the willpower i have to not do the bad things i vowed never to take on is there and building me up.
thank god for all the DARE and dont do drugs seminars
thank god for parents who were strong enough to put me in my place and raise me right
thank god for friends (yes, i do still think of all you guys :D) who are there in my head to remind me who i am when the need arises

things i regret doing already and i've only been here for 1 week and half :(
NEVER:
lend people more than you're willing to part with, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES! i mean, i already know this, i usually let people borrow money from me never expecting it to come back, but ugh, $30 can buy my meals for about a couple of weeks :(
let people exploit you. i'm nice. just not THAT nice.
let people use your cooking stuff and forget to ask about it later. geez, i always forget and i find my oil in the kitchen the next day. thank god no one on my floor likes stealing olive oil. 
bring too much money with you. its soooo tempting just to buy some unneeded, fattening ice cream :(
go to a nonmeal plan dorm without knowing how to cook good substantial food. i'm afraid i'm going to be living on rice for the rest of the year :( o and potatoes. and the cheap fruits and vegetables they grow on the campus farm. double :(  I NEED MEATS!
scratch or accidentally touch a bug bite. mans, i have so many and they've been there since the first day i moved in :(

i guess i'm learning my life lessons the hard way :(

so what happened yesterday, or rather monday, after going to seeing a mcsteamy wannabe, big ass versace belt buckle, tight jean, rolled up striped shirt with the neck buttons undone to chest hair level wearing, self induced botox and spray tanned douche bag of a doctor i finally was able to get 3 measly pills for my condition.
what was worse?
having to wait 4 hours for that super ego inflated doctor to prescribe me some meds.

and then later, when me and my family went to eat our "last dinner" together until i came back, we all tried very hard not to cry.
and thankfully, we all made it through the hugs and good byes tearless.
i don't think its bad to cry, but it was best that we avoid all that so that all of us can continue on and look forward to when i come back.
i mean, its really not like i'm leaving forever to fkn mars, even though 8 months is a long time.
and my family knows that too :)

so, i think a little bit of it hit me monday night, just the feeling of realizing how much my parents did almost everything for me. and now here i am, alone and without the ability to immediately call my parents/sister for advice/their experience.
but i think i'm dealing with it pretty well, seeing that i haven't cried yet, or became depressed, or sulked, or let it affect my activities/life in any significant way.
so far.
this is still only day 2.

i have met and had real conversations with a girl from the south of france, a suburb of Quebec, Seattle, Ontario, Toronto, Hong Kong, China, Japan, and some other ones i don't remember.
i befriended this Quebecois guy today, and i'm already feeling like i can be myself around him.
as in friendship, not boyfriendship.
i thought he was gay at first, but apparently he is not.
so first guy friend.
:D

so today my parents and i were invited to this parent special reception tent thing and we were talking about stuff and then my mom starts to cry.
that made me feel really bad about going so far away from my parents (that was what started her crying)
and the weird thing is, my dad started to cry.
i understand that both my parents will be feeling really emotional during this time in their lives (and mine)
but i have never seen my dad cry in my 18 years of life on this planet and it was realllllyyyy weird and awkward, so much that i was jokingly blocking them off from my field of vision with my hand.
because if i kept seeing them cry, i would start too :(
i would've except for the fact that:
a. we're in the middle of a huge crowd of over 150 people at an opening reception for the parents of mcgill students
b. they weren't going to leave for another two days, which means i would still see them multiple times.
c. it was daytime.

i'm waiting until the last day they leave, then i'll try as much as i can to hold it in.
and if i can't, i'll just bawl my eyes out.

next awkward moment?
so my mom has a lot of coworkers who work here in montreal, and she was going out drinking with them at around 9 pm. she invited me to go with her, and i kinda had to because my mom told me that these were the people i was going to be going to for help if i needed anything over the next year.
so i went.
kinda slow at the beginning, but then since my mom wanted to "train" me in alcohol consumption again, like before i went to paris, so that i could see what my limit was in front of my mom (safe people to get accidentally drunk with) for my own experience, they ordered a pitcher of beer, of which i drank a cup of. and then she ordered me a kamikaze.
i was ok until the first gulp of the kamikaze.
then i began feeling tipsy :/
they all told me i should drink the rest of the drink.
so i did.
by the end of the drink, i could only really listen to half of their conversation, while stupidly nodding, smiling and laughing loudly at the other half that i heard but didn't really pay attention to.
there were a transvestite couple (both men turned into girls) that got crazy drunk with a 50-60 year old couple, a pear shaped woman and a fat man.
the fat man was drunk as shizzles and got really *woo* so he started feeling his balls through his camel toed pants.
and then he proceeds to dry hump his wife, feel up her boobies, stick his hands up her shirt
and then checks out all the girls closest to him.
meanwhile, the transies are all throwing themselves all over other people, and each other and dancing awkwardly.
so by the time we get out of the bar (its this really nice rooftop bar on top of a hotel), its about 1:30 am. we go to one of the only restaurants open at the moment, a greek fast food joint, and we all eat huge meat kabobs, fries, and gyros.
then that made me feel lots better :D
awkward thing is:
a. my mom was the one who took me out drinking
b. i went out with her coworker friends of whom i had only met one of them once
c. second time really going out drinking
d. they were all encouraging me to drink more, well until they could see that i'd reached my limit

so lessons of the day?
don't let my parents drink wine when they are feeling emotional
beer is just like water, tastes like it and makes you pee it all out an hour later
kamikazes taste sweet and light but are as strong as shizz
when i start feeling like i'm mindlessly babbling and the world seems like its slightly moving, i'm tipsy, and probably shouldn't drink too much more
eating good carb foods like bread and fries afterwards does a body good
getting wasted and drunk is stupid and makes you look stupid and feel stupid

first impressions of my soon to be home away from home?
it is the city of my dreams.
i've always loved/idealized going to cities like boston, seattle, san fransisco, paris, all those, i guess people would generalize, "indie cities" (excluding paris), and the minute i saw the buildings and the people of montreal flash past the window of our rental car, i smiled to myself, in awe of how much i had instantly fallen in love with montreal. because, this, this was all of those cities i had dreamed of living in, combined. i don't know how to descibe it properly, but, here goes.
its like a rugged paris. parisians, french, bits of french culture, all set properly down in the midst of the canadian wilderness.  everything is green here, pine trees, and other "forest" trees litter the hills and the countryside. the weather is deliciously perfect, the sun is out, bright and shining, yet the wind and temperature is warm enough not to make you shiver, but has enough bite in it to be refreshing.
neat bostonian looking houses all aligned neatly in rows and rows in squares.  Most of the buildings are old, but they have this old world charm to it that keeps them from looking ancient. 
the people are nicer than parisians, but still not "nice" enough :D. they answer questions with curt replies, with a friendly tone, but hurried and rushed enough to make sure that you don't up too much of their time.  they speak french with a rounded type of accent. the closest i can think of to compare it with the states would probably be like a chicagan accent.  camping shops are everywhere, advertising sleeping bags and mountain bikes.  these people are parisans, minus most of the snobbiness and decorum and procedure and with a whole bunch of "rugged frontiersman".
 
well, this may just be a bit of moonshine, but i feel like this is where i'm supposed to be, this is where i want to be, at least until i'm done with college :D

now. on to the other stuff :/

i'm kinda slow on a lot of things. so, surprise surprise, the sad stuff didn't really hit me until i got into the car with my parents to drive to the airport.
i sat in the car, running through all the things in my head, last time i would see this until i come back, last time i will be close enough to hang out with my friends, last things this, last things that.
and my parents were chatting on and on, then they asked me, "so how are you feeling alex?"
by this point, my eyes were almost ready to flood over, so all i could say was, "Sad."  and then they went on to say how excited they were for me etc etc. but even the excitement didn't get to me until a LOT later :/ 

i watched rachel's cd slide show for me the minute i got onto the plane, and that almost made me burst into tears.  i think i watched it three times :D thanks for that rachel, i loved it so much :)

when i got off the plane and we touched down at the montreal pierre elliot trudeau airport, thats when i raised my hands and yelled in the airport, "I'm finally here!!"

so.
right now, conflicting feelings, sadness and happiness at the same time.
maybe thats why i haven't full out cried yet.
because i feel it, inside my heart, but i try to supress it whenever it starts really getting to me, so that i don't ruin what is going to come.
the sadness i'm feeling is deeper, too deep for me to dig out and show to the world.
when i wrote that letter to rachel, i didn't cry onto the paper, despite what i expected to happen.
all i could feel was this pain, and this solid knowledge that rachel and me will end up A okay :)

theres this weird finality of it all that i keep feeling, but the weird thing about it is the fact that its not like i'm going to be gone for 10 years. i'm only going to be gone for 8 months.
the finality part of it is the fact that the whole world can change in those 8 measly months.

rachel, i'm rereading this, and it may sound a little different than my letter to you, well maybe a lot different :D but just know that everything i wrote in there, despite the hesitancy i feel now, which you probably have already gone through, is completely what i want for you.
just know that this is most of what i was thinking, while we said our last good byes, while i wrote your letter, and while i snuck around to avoid being detected to deliver it :D.
so don't let this break open the closure you feel now.
let it be more of a "I may have seemed calm and collected in the letter, but it didn't come without its struggle" type of deal. that you aren't the only one feeling they way you are feeling. or were, hopefully :), feeling. so now that i got all that out, i kinda have my closure too :D
rachel.
let's start our new lives,
whether or not you're there physically or not, emotionally or not
whether or not i'm there for you physically or not, emotionally or not,
you will always be in there, in my heart.

i don't know what is going to happen, or become, or disappear.
but the only thing i do know is that i am who i am.
i will do what i can do, what i want to do, what i must do.
and in the end, may the pieces fall as they may.

sometimes the amount of love and forgiveness my parents show towards me is humiliatingly humbling.
hopefully i'm not speaking to soon, but still.
sometimes i don't know how good i have it.

this entire week, its just been feeling like a regular school week with parties in a couple of periods and barely any homework.
so dumb me, it didn't really hit me until 3rd period :D that i was never going to sit with in the same group as marvin and natnael and doreen in math, or go to my next class with eunice.

at the end of 3rd period, pam was getting her yearbook signed by sherman, and the bell rang to leave.
"Alex, you should go if you won't want to be late."
I thought about it for a little bit.
"Nah, I'll just wait, its going to be our last time walking together during passing period."  After the words left my mouth, it hit me and Pam too by the looks of it.  Her face started to redden, and her eyes got all watery. I smiled.
"Don't cry Pam! If you start crying, I'll start crying!"
"Its that word 'last' that just makes it seem so...final." I just smiled again and nodded.  After Sherman finished signing Pam's yearbook, we left.  The minute we got a few feet away from the door, the tardy bell rang. I looked at her,"Let's just take our time, it really is going to be the last time we do this." 
"Yeah, it is."  And then all the way to our classes, we talked like we normally did, about random stuff that happened, or whatever we were thinking about, but this time it was about just not seeing people again, Sarah almost crying at the thought of us not being a "group" together anymore, all that stuff.  We got to Pam's class, and I gave her a big hug. 
"Pam, we'll see each other on the 16th yah?" 
"Yes."
When I pulled away, she was on the verge of tears.  I slapped her arm.
"Stop it! I will seriously start crying!" She laughed and we said our good-byes.
The minute I opened the door into Ysursa's class, everyone was like "AAAALLLEEXXXX!!!!"  all over the place.
I put my stuff down at my desk, and I looked to where Lisa and Jennifer and Esther were and then I just started to cry.  I guess it was building up or something, but i couldn't take it anymore, so I just let a little bit go.  Lisa came over to me and saw me crying.
"Oh my gosh Alex! You're crying!!" And she gave me a hug and she started crying too. Jennifer's nose got all red, and Esther had this pained look on her face.  I was trying to hide my tears, so I covered my eyes with my hands when they came over and all gave me a group hug. I was so embarrassed, when Jenna saw me she came over too and I told her, "I need a tissue paper, let's go." So we left to go to the girl's bathroom.
"Alex, why are you crying?"
"Because this is seriously one of my most favorite classes and they're all Juniors and I just won't see them again."  And Jenna started crying too.  Her voiced got all stuffed and I laughed at her.
"You're crying too!" 
"Yeah, I know, this is so faggish."
 I laughed out loud.  "Yes it is."

Even though I'm going to hang out with all these people again, just the thought of me leaving them behind, and not being able to see them for at least 6 months, just made me so sad.
I almost cried again when I read what some people in my French class wrote in my yearbook.
At this rate, I'm going to be sobbing at graduation.
And bawling like a big baby when my friends see me off to Canada.