41 posts tagged “mon amis”

friends are people who still make time to hang out with you, even after not talking to you or communicating with you for 4 months. and still get along with you like old times.
friends are people who still feel comfortable enough to spill out everything they've been stressed out about without hesitation
friends are people who come out just to see you, even if its only for half an hour

i feel good, knowing that i have friends like these.
thanks for making time for me, despite the fact that i only had a few days here, and making them enjoyable.
it gives me security, knowing that i have all of you here. ties that still hold me here and give me a reason to look forward to coming back.

"Don't change too much."  Amanda told me as she hugged me good-bye. 
I considered it for a second, and then dismissed it.  I couldn't tell her then.  I would wait until she realized it herself. 
Change is inevitable for everyone.  Its a matter of if we still like each other after we change that determines everything. Instead, I gave them all a last wave good bye, and a "I'll see you in spring!" as I pulled out of the parking lot and sped home. 

I switched on the clicker as we reached the last intersection before her street.
"You know, I really needed this."
I nodded. "I really needed this too."

My dad scooped the rest of the filet mignon cubes out of the skillet and set the plate on the table.  It was only my second or third dinner eating at home since I've come back, and already I'd fallen back into routine.  I set the table, my mom dipped some crab into the melted butter as she watched a rerun of some B movie.  My dad giving me some "life advice", my mom chipping in, my sister looking bored yet slightly interested, me nodding my head in understanding.  I felt as if I was still living with them, and not living thousands of miles away.  We all pitched in, washing the dishes, the table. 
It was the household daily monotonous regimen, just switch up what was being served that day, repetitive, normal. 

I forgot just how much I missed it.

i loved being able to see some of my favorite people today.
and be myself with them, and laugh with them, and talk with them,
all face to face and not over the phone.
it was nice, really nice.

alrightey then
so last night was the first time i ever had to clean up after someone. as in like wasted and puking guts out all over the dorm hall, the bathroom, her room :/
a mop, two laundry loads, 5 cups of detergent and several sheets of clorox wipes later, we were able to clean most of it up.
it was dirty, tiring and downright nasty.
but hey, we're kinda all she has here (friendwise), so when the shit hits the fan, i at least want to pull through for her.
but yes,
that shit was nasty.

so i'm friends with these germans, they come from all over germany, and we were talking about me visiting them and them visiting me (apparently LA is a huge thing in germany), which i really would love to do. we were all getting excited and all that stuff.
and we got to the point of getting serious about it, and when to get tickets.
but i'm a little apprehensive.
first off, i don't know what will happen between now and the end of the year, two of them are leaving at the end of the first semester, will i still want to go? will they still want me to come? things have changed so much since the first day of september, i hope not, but in order for me to plan, i have to start soon :/
and when they come to LA, i will have to prepare, since i will basically be driving my parents car if i take them out, and pay for gas, and that means i have to get some money, which means getting a job, and if i get a job, i won't really be able to take them out, and if i can't take them out, they're basically stuck in the hotel or wherever they are going to stay.
this is when i wish i really had my own place to stay. asking my parents to host three girls is going to be pretty hectic and stressful and especially, make them angry at me just for even thinking of asking.
and when i go to germany, or europe for that matter, i have to get money from somewhere, and i don't have a job.
my parents know how i want to go eurotripping this summer, and they told me that whatever scholarship money i get, they will match it.
but the hard part is that i live in canada and go to a canadian school and all the scholarship sites i know are for US, and the Canadian scholarships i have no idea about.
man.
my dreams are being shot down one by one because a stupid thing like money. or lack thereof.
well this is what i plan on doing if i can do it
since my school ends in april, i have several options
my aunt wants to go to paris with me, but i don't know when
jenna has an aunt who has a house in the french countryside
pam has an apartment in germany

so i'm thinking, go to paris first, then to jenna's place, then somewhere else, i don't know where, and then by then it will be mid june, when my german friends are done with their school, and then one week at each of their places, one week at valerie's (frankfurt), one week at thea's (frankfurt), then one week at muege's (kolon) and then we all take the same flight back to the states, where i will take them out for maybe a week or so.

please dreams come true.

so today i met someone who is almost exactly like me, well in the very large aspect that she makes fun of people sarcastically and bluntly like i do :D

its good to know that i'm not the only one of my kind :D:D

first impressions of my soon to be home away from home?
it is the city of my dreams.
i've always loved/idealized going to cities like boston, seattle, san fransisco, paris, all those, i guess people would generalize, "indie cities" (excluding paris), and the minute i saw the buildings and the people of montreal flash past the window of our rental car, i smiled to myself, in awe of how much i had instantly fallen in love with montreal. because, this, this was all of those cities i had dreamed of living in, combined. i don't know how to descibe it properly, but, here goes.
its like a rugged paris. parisians, french, bits of french culture, all set properly down in the midst of the canadian wilderness.  everything is green here, pine trees, and other "forest" trees litter the hills and the countryside. the weather is deliciously perfect, the sun is out, bright and shining, yet the wind and temperature is warm enough not to make you shiver, but has enough bite in it to be refreshing.
neat bostonian looking houses all aligned neatly in rows and rows in squares.  Most of the buildings are old, but they have this old world charm to it that keeps them from looking ancient. 
the people are nicer than parisians, but still not "nice" enough :D. they answer questions with curt replies, with a friendly tone, but hurried and rushed enough to make sure that you don't up too much of their time.  they speak french with a rounded type of accent. the closest i can think of to compare it with the states would probably be like a chicagan accent.  camping shops are everywhere, advertising sleeping bags and mountain bikes.  these people are parisans, minus most of the snobbiness and decorum and procedure and with a whole bunch of "rugged frontiersman".
 
well, this may just be a bit of moonshine, but i feel like this is where i'm supposed to be, this is where i want to be, at least until i'm done with college :D

now. on to the other stuff :/

i'm kinda slow on a lot of things. so, surprise surprise, the sad stuff didn't really hit me until i got into the car with my parents to drive to the airport.
i sat in the car, running through all the things in my head, last time i would see this until i come back, last time i will be close enough to hang out with my friends, last things this, last things that.
and my parents were chatting on and on, then they asked me, "so how are you feeling alex?"
by this point, my eyes were almost ready to flood over, so all i could say was, "Sad."  and then they went on to say how excited they were for me etc etc. but even the excitement didn't get to me until a LOT later :/ 

i watched rachel's cd slide show for me the minute i got onto the plane, and that almost made me burst into tears.  i think i watched it three times :D thanks for that rachel, i loved it so much :)

when i got off the plane and we touched down at the montreal pierre elliot trudeau airport, thats when i raised my hands and yelled in the airport, "I'm finally here!!"

so.
right now, conflicting feelings, sadness and happiness at the same time.
maybe thats why i haven't full out cried yet.
because i feel it, inside my heart, but i try to supress it whenever it starts really getting to me, so that i don't ruin what is going to come.
the sadness i'm feeling is deeper, too deep for me to dig out and show to the world.
when i wrote that letter to rachel, i didn't cry onto the paper, despite what i expected to happen.
all i could feel was this pain, and this solid knowledge that rachel and me will end up A okay :)

theres this weird finality of it all that i keep feeling, but the weird thing about it is the fact that its not like i'm going to be gone for 10 years. i'm only going to be gone for 8 months.
the finality part of it is the fact that the whole world can change in those 8 measly months.

rachel, i'm rereading this, and it may sound a little different than my letter to you, well maybe a lot different :D but just know that everything i wrote in there, despite the hesitancy i feel now, which you probably have already gone through, is completely what i want for you.
just know that this is most of what i was thinking, while we said our last good byes, while i wrote your letter, and while i snuck around to avoid being detected to deliver it :D.
so don't let this break open the closure you feel now.
let it be more of a "I may have seemed calm and collected in the letter, but it didn't come without its struggle" type of deal. that you aren't the only one feeling they way you are feeling. or were, hopefully :), feeling. so now that i got all that out, i kinda have my closure too :D
rachel.
let's start our new lives,
whether or not you're there physically or not, emotionally or not
whether or not i'm there for you physically or not, emotionally or not,
you will always be in there, in my heart.

i don't know what is going to happen, or become, or disappear.
but the only thing i do know is that i am who i am.
i will do what i can do, what i want to do, what i must do.
and in the end, may the pieces fall as they may.

caring too much is okay.

i have this whole explanation and advice thing that backs it up, but i think you probably already know it.  just know that i think it is true.

rachel, you might be wondering to yourself why you do,
and one of the reasons is that
you are a good person.

today was a good day.
one of the best and most fun i've had in a very long while.
i haven't been to the beach since last summer.
i've never been to huntington beach, nevertheless none of the beaches close to where i live.
i've never had a bonfire.
i've never had a real smore.

so today was the first time for all of these and then some.
only about 12 people came, but hey, these are the people who matter.
perhaps these are the people i will still be friends with in the future.
i know some people couldn't come because they absolutely couldn't which is alright.

i didn't mope around, or get depressed or even cry (i so expected i would).
but what i did do, was have one of the best times of my life.
accomplished a lot of things i've never done before.
spent a few hours with some of my most favorite friends.
realize how much some of my friends mean to me.
and how much i am going to miss them.

i know i'm not gone yet, and there are still people i'm going to see before i leave, and although i know i don't want this to come towards me this fast.
but i discovered that in order for me to look towards the future, i cannot dwell in the past.
these last few days really do mark the end of my 18 years of chino hills life.
and i'm glad that i am going to spend them with the people i love the most.
although i may not see them ever again or speak to them,
at least i can remember the good memories they created for me.

i am grateful to all of them.
thanks for coming, thanks for being there.
rachel and erilyn, thanks for planning this for me.
it means so much to me.
thank you.

ben shih is most of the times a perverted horny crazy guy.
but sometimes, he does just the most touching things.
i'm glad i've known him for so long :]

k rachel, i'm posting this here because its a little too much for a facebook comment, and a little to less for a facebook message :D