22 posts tagged “let me explain”

its shocking how little I know myself.

despite the fact that i am really starting to miss home and the people at home, and at times, getting just a little envious of all the fun it seems like they're having, i'm glad i'm here.
i'm glad i didn't stay in chino hills, or within a 50 mile radius of chino hills for that matter.  i'm glad i went so far away from home.  otherwise i wouldn't have been able to get out and meet so many people from so many very different places.  i wouldn't have been able to get out of the "small town chino hills" mindset i was raised in. i wouldn't have been able to gain as much perspective as i have here versus going to like ucsd.  i wouldn't have been able to do the things i've done, the fun stuff and the shit stuff.
i'm not happy with where i am. i'm always wanting, striving for something more, better, different.  i have dreams, ambitions, and i'm going after them, chasing them, catching them, taming them, keeping them and never letting go.
i'm glad. i'm glad that i'll be here and not stuck in the small sphere between downtown LA and Chino Hills.  i have so many places i'll still be going to, places i'll be traveling to, places i'll be exploring, places i'll experience. 
i want to travel the world, taste all that the fruit of life has to offer.
i stil l have a lot i still need to do, but
i think this is pretty good for a start :D

"Our massage therapist is a sane republican (a rare breed these days), and we live in a heavily Republican area. She told us that nearly half her clientele said they hoped Obama would be killed. I'm have no words to express my sadness in response to such sentiments. I place the blame for this squarely on the shoulders of those people who tried to swiftboat him and paint him as being a radical, a terrorist. and a socialist. I pray that sanity is restored to our country and that normally rational people will come to their senses."-cheesegypsy

i'm proud to say that i'm a republican
a sane republican.

i feel as if i am losing my ability to speak and write english as well and proficiently as i did before i came here.
when i was on the phone with my sister, i said some retarded phrase that made no sense.
when i went to write my bio report, i had to catch myself from writing stupid lame and elementary school sentences.
when i speak to other people its the same kinda thing.
ugh.
maybe its the fact that i haven't read a single piece of good literature since i came here because i've had no time.
or the fact that i'm surrounded by a bunch of people who speak english as a second or third language
or the fact that most people speak quebecois
or the fact that i just haven't really written anything to turn in since i got out of high school
or the fact that i can't take a single social studies class here because my major doesn't allow me to and the campus doesn't even offer it
or the fact that maybe i'm just turning stupid.

i've been feeling stupid lately.
the fact that i told my physics prof that the test had the hardest problems on it from homework and she said how it was "the easier problems that were very straightforward"
or the fact that my dumb blondeness is finally rearing its ugly head
or the fact that i feel like i'm ill prepared for about half of my midterms
or the fact that i feel like i'm losing my ability to write well and speak well

ugh, my head and my self esteem :(

you know what else?
i haven't been able to do a single thing i set out to do when i came here.
i haven't been able to join the fencing team
i haven't been able to get on the mcgill radio station
i haven't been able to join the kendo team
i haven't been able to take a foreign language class
or an english class
or any classes that allow me to explore other areas of study.

i've just finished reading over some of the past few months' blog entries
and i think i am a total sap. i guess its not bad, its who i am, i guess i'm just sappy by nature. but i haven't been able to feel that sappy lately. and it shows in my blogs to. most of my blogs lately have been complaints or commentary. a few on anger and maybe one on positive feelings.  maybe i'm hardening into a cold emotionless piece of rock?
it seems like most of the blogs i've written up until now since i've arrived are ways for me to release stress, versus the ones before when i was in high school or in the summer were written solely to express feelings in their fullest form. sounds kind of the same, but they're completely different. in a way i feel like i'm losing a part of myself. the part that could say anything i felt or wanted to get out in a way that made people feel what i felt.  i feel like my creative juices are running out, draining out of my body, drop by drop into the mass of math and science that i have to do day in and day out.  the only opportunity for me to use my creativity in my major is when i get down to designing mechanisms and systems and actually build them so that they work.  but thats a completely different kind of creativity, its a creativty that is bound by the constraints of the system, the order, the boss, the budget, the rules, by reality.  creativity that is used to write or to create music or to paint a picture, is a gushing brightly colored fountain, that can shoot as high as the sky, enough to flood the earth, boundless.

ugh again.
even writing this makes me feel inadequate because of how much it sounds like some junior high school student wrote it :/

but no thanks.
yes, guys like talking to me when they're drunk. but then again, most people like talking to just about anyone when they're drunk, which basically makes it meaningless.
even though it'll probably be lots easier to "break the ice" with alcohol,
i prefer my guys sober, thank you very much.

bites me in the ass, big time, again.

so its not like i'm being a complete bitch to madeline, or really treating her any differently than she treats me, basically with indifference and ignorance (really, if i don't say good morning or hi, she just won't talk to me).
but today, i was a complete and total idiot and printed out and did the prelab for the next lab, not this one, so i basically walked into my chem lab completely and totally unaware and unprepared.
she was nice enough to share her stuff with me, let me copy her data chart and even use her calculator.
today, i survived the lab completely and totally on other peoples' generousity.
most of it of madeline, who sat next to me because we were matched up as chem lab partners.
and thats going to be switched at each of our requests.

what a mixed bag of feelings. :/

but i have learned my lesson. whatever it was supposed to be, among the numerous things i did.
i just got a huge dose of humiliation.

on the other hand...
i love how i can just tell how a girl is some guy's boyfriend based on how they stare at me as i pass by with discerning and critical eyes. i could just feel defensive territorial instincts rise off this girl in waves.
she doesn't know me, i've never even talked to her boyfriend.
i guess thats a confidence boost.

surprisingly, the willpower i have to not do the bad things i vowed never to take on is there and building me up.
thank god for all the DARE and dont do drugs seminars
thank god for parents who were strong enough to put me in my place and raise me right
thank god for friends (yes, i do still think of all you guys :D) who are there in my head to remind me who i am when the need arises

things i regret doing already and i've only been here for 1 week and half :(
NEVER:
lend people more than you're willing to part with, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES! i mean, i already know this, i usually let people borrow money from me never expecting it to come back, but ugh, $30 can buy my meals for about a couple of weeks :(
let people exploit you. i'm nice. just not THAT nice.
let people use your cooking stuff and forget to ask about it later. geez, i always forget and i find my oil in the kitchen the next day. thank god no one on my floor likes stealing olive oil. 
bring too much money with you. its soooo tempting just to buy some unneeded, fattening ice cream :(
go to a nonmeal plan dorm without knowing how to cook good substantial food. i'm afraid i'm going to be living on rice for the rest of the year :( o and potatoes. and the cheap fruits and vegetables they grow on the campus farm. double :(  I NEED MEATS!
scratch or accidentally touch a bug bite. mans, i have so many and they've been there since the first day i moved in :(

i guess i'm learning my life lessons the hard way :(

about dorming on a campus that is literally in the middle of the wilderness, is that i can go out, lie down in the grass at 12 midnight, and look up at the stars without worrying about someone coming along to rape me or my parents wondering where i am and what i am doing.

its a wonderful feeling, with the cool wind blowing over my face, the sky so clear that i can literally see all the millions of stars in the sky, the night so quiet that the rustling of the grass around me is all i can hear, and being able to enjoy it with people who love it just as much as i do.

so last night, i went to my first REAL club. the club i went to paris is really just a bar with a dance floor because it was small, i was with a whole bunch of white girls and they played disco all night.

so this club, club 737, which is on top of a skyscraper, is probably the 2nd best club in montreal, and my school got us onto the guest list. we got in at 1130 and didn't leave until 2. 

people grinding and doing sex on the dance floor dances all over the place. i danced with my group, went outside, blah blah just danced basically. so that was fun, really great stuff.
until it got later and later, with guys getting drunker and drunker, drunk enough to sidle up to me and ask me to dance because i was "sexy".
unfortunately, i drank enough that i was just like, heck, i've never done it before, and its just dancing, so i'll just try it.
but then the dancing THEY wanted to do with me was up and up grinding shit that i completely DID NOT! feel comfortable with.
so all in all
three guys trying to grind up on me (aka dance with me)
1 guy who offered me a drink (DON'T TAKE DRINKS FROM STRANGERS!), and then later wanted to drink with me at the bar
god.
i mean, i know thats what guys usually do at clubs, but sorry, that is so totally not the way i intended on meeting guys. period. they're drunk, horny, high and stupid.
i am not doing that shizzles again. going clubbing with friends to dance is all fine and dandy, but when the next guy tries to dance up on me or "pick me up" the answer will be a big fat "NO".
in a way i feel a little ashamed that i did dance with them a little, but there would be no other way for me to find out how strongly i'm against it until i see for myself.

i also realized how different people from different places are. one of my puerto rican friends from new york, who is an AMAZING! dancer, was dancing all over the place with some random guys from the dominican republic, and they were seriously dancing those orgy dances.
but then she's from like harlem where everyone dances like that at school dances.
differen strokes for different folks i guess :/