17 posts tagged “hopes & dreams”

i don't want to stay here in laird hall any longer than this year. i mean, i don't hate it, but i don't absolutely love it either. sharing 6 bathroom stalls with like 20 girls, some that are messy dirty unhygenic and inconsiderate, a common kitchen that gets filthy by the end of the day, having only one real study place in the entire building, using a public washer and dryer, having to tote all my shower stuff around, and not being able to truly have my own space (my roommate is cool now, but still, i would prefer to have my own room), isn't something i want to repeat for next year.
apparently there are several apartments and houses that have cheaper rent, free wireless, heating, and all the extras down in ste annes.
i'm going to have to move downtown next or next next year anyway because there is one semester where i have to take all my classes downtown. i might not even move back after that :/
and then there are the "limits to how many credits i have to get on Mac campus".
hopefully that doesn't shoot down my study abroad semester/year :/

to study one year here at macdonald campus, then next year, transfer to the downtown campus, then the third year study in the united states as an exchange program from mcgill :D and then using mcgill exchange program, study somewhere in europe, france, germany, england and graduate :D
i don't know, maybe i just can't settle down or something, but i feel like going all over the place to study, just traveling and seeing the world, getting to know all the places i dreamed of visiting when i was little. i can't imagine me staying here in mcgill for the next 4 years, despite how much i've fallen in love with mcgill and montreal, i just don't see it.

so maybe i can do it :D

so i'm friends with these germans, they come from all over germany, and we were talking about me visiting them and them visiting me (apparently LA is a huge thing in germany), which i really would love to do. we were all getting excited and all that stuff.
and we got to the point of getting serious about it, and when to get tickets.
but i'm a little apprehensive.
first off, i don't know what will happen between now and the end of the year, two of them are leaving at the end of the first semester, will i still want to go? will they still want me to come? things have changed so much since the first day of september, i hope not, but in order for me to plan, i have to start soon :/
and when they come to LA, i will have to prepare, since i will basically be driving my parents car if i take them out, and pay for gas, and that means i have to get some money, which means getting a job, and if i get a job, i won't really be able to take them out, and if i can't take them out, they're basically stuck in the hotel or wherever they are going to stay.
this is when i wish i really had my own place to stay. asking my parents to host three girls is going to be pretty hectic and stressful and especially, make them angry at me just for even thinking of asking.
and when i go to germany, or europe for that matter, i have to get money from somewhere, and i don't have a job.
my parents know how i want to go eurotripping this summer, and they told me that whatever scholarship money i get, they will match it.
but the hard part is that i live in canada and go to a canadian school and all the scholarship sites i know are for US, and the Canadian scholarships i have no idea about.
man.
my dreams are being shot down one by one because a stupid thing like money. or lack thereof.
well this is what i plan on doing if i can do it
since my school ends in april, i have several options
my aunt wants to go to paris with me, but i don't know when
jenna has an aunt who has a house in the french countryside
pam has an apartment in germany

so i'm thinking, go to paris first, then to jenna's place, then somewhere else, i don't know where, and then by then it will be mid june, when my german friends are done with their school, and then one week at each of their places, one week at valerie's (frankfurt), one week at thea's (frankfurt), then one week at muege's (kolon) and then we all take the same flight back to the states, where i will take them out for maybe a week or so.

please dreams come true.

i already miss all my friends already :( bad sign, i'm not even moved in yet  :/
rachel, i was eating at an italian restaurant and i was thinking, if only rachel was here. :(

i have been tense since i arrived, i don't know if its because i'm going to be moving in and away from all the things i've been familiar with for the past 18 years, or if its because everything here is so...intimidating.
like we went to a super huge mall, and almost every single girl about my age is startlingly pretty. even the salespeople.
it makes me feel insignificant, overwhelmed and unremarkable.
i go up to make a purchase, and my "merci" comes out in a quiet squeak.
the french i know is a speck on what i really need to know to actually communicate properly.
it makes my confidence and self esteem level go super down low low low :(

but i'll get used to it here, in the city and at "the farm" (macdonald campus in st anne de bellevue),
i'll make it so that i make this, really, will be my home.
i'm going to learn french so well that i'll be fluent in 6 months.
and when other people see me, they'll think i'm a frkn local.

k, so its 2:16 in the morning.
all day yesterday, i worked on finishing this final review worksheet.
too bad it was stupid and didn't cover much, so i still need to study for a couple of hours.
only studied for half an hour when i came home.
not even half way through packing.
need to take a shower.
o and register for my classes before all the good time slots get taken away, and before i get onto a 13 hour flight.

and i am spazzing out that virtually nothing is in my suitcase, everything is in a big pile outside of it, and not even everything is in that pile,
i have a final worth about 33% of my grade that i still need to study for,
sleep that i need to have in order to properly function for the final tomorrow,
and that overhanging sense of doom that if i don't do well on my final and end up failing the class,
it might lower my college gpa before i even move into my college dorm.,
and it is officially july 31st in both canada AND the united states and they STILL are not letting me register classes
and i don't have enough time to finish any of this.

of course, the upside :D
i have taken calc already and get every concept in the class. (even though i haven't gotten any really good test grades, i still get the concept, doesn't make sense but its true)
if i fail the class, i can just refuse to let them release my transcript to mcgill
but then,
none of that needs to happen because
i am going to get every problem right on the final,
get out early enough to get home and pack all my stuff and make sure i have everything,
get my classes and get them at my desired time slots,
and still have enough time to update my status on myspace and facebook.
glass half full glass half full glass half full
postitive positive positive positive positive
optimistic optimistic optimistic
reality reality reality reality reality
:D

to paris, normandy and italy, and all over europe.
i need to start planning this with the people who want to go, but i'm probably going to go on the summer 2009 trip with Chino hills high and Ayala. then after that, i'm going to go visit some other places, like stay at Jenna's aunt's house in the French countryside, and then go maybe to Germany to visit Pam, and then hopefully London? I really got to save up, but omg, this is going to be the best trip ever.
people i know who want to come are
carlos, erilyn, sneha, josephine, pam, jenna, and thats all i know for now. we're probably all going to go our separate ways after the school trip, but at least we'll see each other during the school trip :D
so if anyone else wants to come, talk to me! :D:D
dreams dreams dreams

so i didn't get into dartmouth. not that i expected to, but it would've been my second choice if i did.
and i didn't get into carnegie mellon either, whatever, i didn't really care about going to that school
the only schools i got into out of my six are UCSD and McGill.
if i got into dartmouth, i would have to visit each college before i even thought about pressing the "accept" button on the application pages, and that probably would take a while. and with mcgill, i have to worry about applying a "permission to study" thing, and immigration crap starting like now.
so i think the universe is trying to send me some kind of message. like
"<static, whirring, radio tuning> Alex, MUST GO TO MCGILL! <electric short>"

because as much as i would like to go to UCSD, because of friends and its far enough away that i don't have to worry about going to eat with my family every weekend, but close enough that i can visit whenever i want to, its in beautiful La Jolla where just about everyone has a dog and the mexican and japanese food are simply delicious,
it just can't compare to mcgill.

so.
MCGILL IT IS!!!

so whatever life holds in store for me over there, because right now, i honestly have no clue how i'll manage by myself over there, and when i think about all i can see is a grey city with people speaking Quebec French, or how i'll end up or how i'll do with everything,
i know its going to be pretty dang exciting and wonderful and life changing.

COLLEGE POST!
i was really scared that i wasn't going to get into any of the colleges i applied too because my safety was ucsd, and alex xiao told me how that was his NUMBER 1 choice. and a whole bunch of people told me it was their top choice too, so i thought that maybe i was overshooting my bounds in my college application choices.
but at least i know now that i'm
GOING TO COLLEGE!!!

i didn't get into MIT but i think thats a good thing because i don't want to die in college of overstudying and boredom. i guess my priorities have changed since that day i made it my "life mission" to get into that school.
now i just want to get into
MGILL UNIVERSITY in montreal, canada.
and i'm really praying for that.
my sister on the other hand is happy to just stay in california. mainly because she wants to go to vet school and vet school is 8 years in college and she's worried about the costs to our parents (i am too, but not as much because i'm only going to school for 4 years). and she isn't to crazy about going far away, at least for now.

the main reason why i want to travel far away from home is because i really just want to get to know how to live my life without any of the things i know here that would hold me back, or deter it, or just not allow me to break out and live life the way i truly want to live it. not like i hate life here or don't absolutely love it, which i do, but i've always heard of people going away from home for like a year or two and come back as completely different people. because during that time away, they really got to discover who they were inside. a lot like one of those self-discovery movies you see sometimes.
i don't want to be completely changed when i come back, if my plans go through (2 years in canada, then 2 years over here in the states), because i like who i am now and want to still be the same me inside, but i just want to find out if there are some things i still don't know about myself.

so i'm not trying to go as far away from home as possible because i hate my family, or i hate living here, or i just don't want to be here. because its the absolute opposite, compared to my sister, i am much more attached to my family and friends and everything here (which is probably just going to make it that much more harder to leave). i really truly love everyone i know here and if i wasn't so bent on "trying to find my inner self", i would just pick a college close to where my best friends and friends are going so that i can still keep in contact with them and hang out and all that stuff.

but unfortunately/fortunately i'm not like that.

my parents always thought that i would be the one to stay close to home and my wild crazy sister would go and explore the world.

but it seems like they're wrong.
at least in this case.

its been raining on and off for the past week, and supposedly until the end of this week.
just lovely lovely.
that means i can go to the mountains after all that snow is up there, and have a crazy butt time skiing off of and hurting myself on the snowboarder jumps.

i've already finished applying to my colleges, so tulsa, rit, rennesaeler, and fresno state, stop sending me mail telling me that i still have another chance to apply. i DON'T want to go to your school. thank you.

paid my ticket today, have to take an 8 hour traffic school to get it off. just need to stay ticketless until i move out of state. i should just stay ticketless for the rest of my life.

i got a haircut yesterday. i think it looks good. we'll see tomorrow.

couldn't find another winter formal dress over the weekend. tons and tons of sales though, but most of it was junk.  i have two dresses i can probably wear, the david meister that both my mom and my sister don't think look super super good, in fact my sister thinks its looks cheap teenagerish. i think it looks to businessy, and my mom just told me to wear it.
but then i have another dress, a tse cashmere haltertop i got last year and haven't worn yet. its one size too big but cashmere shrinks easily when washed a certain way, which my mom knows how to do. i personally think it would be better, but my mom thinks it will be "too sexy" and doesn't want me to wear. it just an open back thats all.
and she's keeping it hidden somewhere and i can't find it to see if it will even be good or not.
she refuses to take it back to get it returned because she says she doesn't have a receipt. but i can just bitch at the sales people and say i got it as a christmas present and i don't want it. they'd take it back im pretty sure.

i love 4 day weeks, it makes time just fly by.
and its going to be february soon, my favorite month of the year because of

• chinese new year!!! i get to make my pro-ness dumplings and get moneeyyyy
• two three day weekends, more 4 day weeks!!!
• valentines day :D with my friends of course :D:D
• jessica and jane's bdays! which means...
• even though jane doesn't have a party, its cool because shes a few days younger than me
• jessica's debut!! 2 days before my bday, can't wait, i've really been wanting to go to one for the longest time
• my bday :D:D:D

oh, and i read this entertaining article about dating male models written by this half hungarian half chinese harvard grad elle magazine editor. its given me a new dream in life.
    GO OUT WITH A HOT MALE MODEL!
       with substance of course, and not a complete and total egotistical jerk typical of rich pretty boys who do nothing but jetset to milan and paris to get their pictures taken for an hour.                                                                                                                                                                       

I will be on that show when both my sister and I are 21 (the minimum age requirement for applying).
which would be like season 16 or 17 if the show keeps going, which it better!
because:
my sister speaks japanese and german
i can speak french
we can both speak a teeny bit of spanish
and we both can speak some chinese
and we've traveled to a lot of places, and we like traveling and we
almost got jipped by gypsies in barcelona,
spent days without our luggage (the airlines didn't send it with us until the next couple of flights)
both have a good sense of direction
both are physically fit
i've dealt with gypsies in paris
and i'd like to say at least one of us is street smart

so hopefully this is enough to get us in.
we're making an audition video the minute my sister turns 21.