8 posts tagged “fight!fight!”
k so i am going through this list to invite people to my going away party and the person i have changed my mind about is:
nicole haley
nicole haley because:
i think it was after the breakfast-with-me-ditching-ryan incident, i have a feeling ryan told nicole haley his side of the story, since she is probably his next best friend. and i get this because at awards night and disneyland and the other events where i've seen nicole afterwards, i would stupidly wave and try to say hi, and she would look away from me and completely ignore my existence.
so, since she did that, and from the evidence i have gathered, decided to base our friendship on what ryan said about me/about the situation, she is no longer a friend anymore who i would want to see before i leave.
so i am not going to put something on the facebook events, because
a. it makes me look like i am singling her out and people will ask what is going on
b. if she finds out by some other way that she was on the invite list but she wasn't invited, it is a much more subtle way of letting her know whatever it is she assumes the reasons to be. she was not a good enough friend from the start anyway, and she is even less of a good friend now for me to waste the effort of talking to her and confronting her. that is reserved for the people i know care about me and the people i care for.
no stinging retort meant, these are just the facts. i am beyond useless angry words on this situation. it is indifference.
plus, i don't think she would want to come anyway.
aw geez
so someone, a group of people asked me about why me and ryan don't talk anymore and i told them a very basic gist of it.
but eveytime i tell someone just the basic gist, which is really all i want to tell them, i always get worried that they may have heard a more fuller story from ryan and that they think i'm trying to make him look like the bad guy or that i'm lying or that i'm telling a biased version, or that i'm not telling the whole story to cover up stuff that ryan said i did, or just not believing me and believing whatever stuff ryan says i did.
always always i worry, because the people i tell the basic gist to are friends.
but then again, if they don't believe me, then they aren't my friends.
aw geez, i always get so insecure when it comes to this :(
aw geez again, this thing has impacted me even more than i realized >:(
but then again then again,
its over.
so i shouldn't worry about it anymore.
BE GONE DOUBT AND INSECURITY!!!
ok good.
all gone. :D
its probably been like 2 weeks since its happened. me and my best friend, i guess u could call it "breaking it up", it certainly hurt like a bad breakup (friend wise).
over the past couple of weeks, i chewed, mulled over, then swallowed the things he said to me in those letters. because then, i really took to heart everything he called me, and criticized me about. i asked friends if i had a big ego, i remembered the little things ryan did that just projected his own egotistical pride and i tried so very very hard to avoid them. but i now realize that i am who i am, and all those things ryan called me and said to me were said out of anger. and the things he said about me are not true at all, they are not who i am. my friends told me that he was wrong, and i know its a little bad to be relying on ur friends to reassure u on who u are, but they told me the truth and it built my self-confidence back up, bit by bit, giving me back the security i had before.
and now that i look back, without all that turmoil of emotions and all that anger, sadness, frustration and all those things i was feeling, i'm glad i made the choices i made and did the things i did.
i don't feel angry at all, but still a little bit sad. most of what i feel though is relief, and resignation, and peace.
i'm sad for all the things we were going to do together, us three, the trio, before graduating, and how this rift really busted everything up. i'm sad because rachel had to get caught up in this, and that she was affected by this to, things like her birthday and just plain hanging out and all that. i'm sad that it can't be like how it used to.
i'm sad that it didn't work out.
but.
now that i'm not angry or frustrated or all those mean feelings i had been feeling, to tell u the truth, until like last weekend, are gone, i went back to read all those myspace messages between us, i thought about everything that happened and i do not regret a single thing.
i do not regret my decisions, i do not regret my feeling the way i felt, expressing the emotions i expressed, i do not regret what i did afterwards, i do not regret my refusal to give in, and most of all, i do not regret my conflicting decision to stop waiting.
because despite knowing that ryan had said and done those things out of his inability to control his more volatile emotions and desires, they all hurt to the core. that was the first, and hopefully the last time, i take that kind of crap from anyone, especially, especially, when they are from someone i care about and who i thought cared about me too.
a truth, from me. ever since i was a little kid, i cried so easily, i'm the most sensitive kid. my dad would get angrier at me when i cried, and he basically ingrained in me this ability to not cry, to put up a strong front. but, despite all that training, i still leak like a water faucet. but the only people who can do that are the people closest to me, the people i let in. people i don't care about, or don't know, strangers, can't hurt me. but the only ones who can are the people i love.
i look back now, and it hasn't been too long, but its been long enough for me to see things at least a little more clearly, and i am really truly grateful for everything. its made me stronger, or at least a little more aware of the world around me and the people in it.
my sister, mom and dad, each have told me what they are most afraid of for me when i leave, and the single thing they all said was that i would make my heart too open to others, others who would want to hurt me, others who wouldn't have my best interests in mind, others who would break me.
but you know what i said to each of them? the same thing.
"I know what will happen. But if I close my heart, if I don't keep it open to everyone i meet and know, i might miss meeting and knowing the few that will be the good ones. The ones who are worth millions more than all the pain i might get from the bad ones. And that is a risk i am willing to take, and a cost that i am willing to pay."
still completely down in the dumps about it. but its so weird how this song describes how i felt about the whole thing and the whole situation from my side. and plus, its a great song too :D i think if u click it, u can hear the song hopefully :D
the fray-how to save a life
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
damn, i mean every single line.
thank god for music :D
i've changed my mind about you.
i thought perhaps my kindness will get through that thick skull and blinded heart of yours, but apparently i was wrong, completely and terribly wrong.
after shedding a lot of tears, allowing you to break my heart, instead of what i should have been doing, fortifying it against people who just cannot see clearly enough to realize what and who i am, i have decided to listen to you.
ironically, the last act of friendship i will do for you is to listen to what you said, and i think that it will help my heart heal.
so i did say that i would do anything for us to still be friends, but that line stops where you refuse to treat me like one, and instead of helping me up, pulling me down. the minute you let your emotions and your selfishness rule your actions and let them hurt me, the minute you stopped acting like my best friend, was the minute you crossed that line.
and guess what, you made that choice, not me.
as much as i try to hate you for what you've made me feel and made me go through, i cannot find it in my heart to do so. i really can only wish the best for you and the life you have yet to make. the only thing is, is that i will not be there to see that happen.
because being with you now is harmful and detrimental to me in every way.
you have taken me for granted, and kept taking from me until i could not take it anymore.
you were the only friend who hurt me enough to make me cry, and make my chest hurt with the pain of knowing that you didn't care enough to even try. to even take that first step, the step over your pride, your selfishness, your immaturity.
as a friend, i tried to accept that as who you were, and that sooner or later you would grow up, but when it began to hurt me, that was it, that was enough.
thanks are due to you though despite all this.
thanks for the good times
thanks for the memories
thanks for putting me through this,
because now i know that i can deal with people like you
and thanks most of all
for giving me the opportunity to truly realize how much my other friends love me and care for me.
without you, i probably would never know the depth of their love and feelings for me.
but now that i do know, i am better and glad for it
because it makes it that much more easier for me to let you go.
and i will never forget you for that.
is the fact that the last piece of advice you gave me
happens to be the best piece of advice you have ever given me over the entire length i've time we've been friends.
"it's ur decision to stick with 'us' but truth be told, i think you are wasting your time when you can be doing other things better with your time."
and i guess proper thanks is due for that at least.
it feels wonderful right now.
no school,
no homework (at least not due tom!)
freedom
the beautiful weather
and lots more, but those are the biggies
but then theres my problems with ryan. he's been my best friend since freshman year, and theres been a few problems and some drama before, but what i'm expecting to happen is either make it or break it.
i haven't been around much lately during lunch, which is the only time i really see rachel ryan and jessa, because i don't have them in any of my classes. so i called ryan about it and asked him/talked to him and he told me that he understood and it was alright. i finished the call but left the phone on and my sister came in next to me and i started talking to her and telling her what i really felt. ryan told me how he heard the entire conversation afterwards.
so thats where i am now. i don't mind that he heard, of course i'm pretty sad about the way he found out how i was really feeling, but i meant every single word and i still do. so whether or not he heard everything or part of it or only the first few words, i'm going to tell him or at least the basic gist of everything i said.
because i've been feeling those feelings pretty much since the beginning of the year, and sometimes it was stronger, sometimes i was able to ignore it, and sometimes i was able to lie to myself and tell myself that i was going crazy. but the thing is i just can't take anymore of restraining, hiding, pushing it aside. the fact that i have to do that when i'm with him makes me feel all constricted inside, and i don't think thats how i should feel when i'm around ryan.
so i don't care if what happens tomorrow brings tears, screaming, yelling, bitching, heartbreak, or fistfighting (hopefully it really doesn't come to that!), i'm going to spill everything i feel to him. i don't know if it will help, or if it will hurt, but its the only thing i can really do that will change anything.
i've got a lot more to say, but i'll save it for the one who needs to hear them.
the odd thing is, feeling all this, the good, the bad, the happy, the sad, makes me feel very much alive.
ok, so a bit different this time. instead of getting obnoxiously pissy and bitchy like usual, instead i've been "talking back" to my parents, arguing with them like 1-2 times a day (since i got my period) and shit like that.
DAMMIT! i'm so pissed off at them right now!! :(
they're probably right in this situation, like most other teen/parent situations.
And then i had this argument with ryan on myspace (imagine that :/) and was really tempted to call him afterwards so we can finish this over the phone, but i was like "eh, its not a big enough deal to get all riled up about" because i probably wouldn't have said anything smart to help the situation.
so this is what consisted of the "myspace argument".
ryan: you know, you really hurt me today. really. it just, it really hurt me and now it has me somewhat angry.
prom
was so many months ago and yet u guys still have this little grudge.
let it go. i mean, rachel is playing the victim way too many times and
it makes me mad because don't forget, before she handled the limo, I
DID!
and what hurts the most is that of all people in the
world, YOU chose a side. you betrayed our friendship, the one you were
worried about and u completely hurt me.
me:
ok.
i didn't mean to hurt you ok?
i just stated the truth.
when did this ever become a sake of me betraying one person's
friendship for the other? aren't you friends with rachel too?
it
seems like you think she's ur enemy or something. just because she
still holds a grudge doesn't mean that she's attacking you, or hates
you or isnt friends with you anymore. there are just things that people
don't forget. because people make mistakes.
i mean, i don't even remember all the details because its not that big of a deal to me.
to
still counter her attack or grudge or whatever you're taking it as
means that you're still holding a grudge, or at least haven't
forgotten/forgiven about it as much as you want her to have
forgotten/forgiven.
and don't refer to the person holding the grudge
as "you guys". just because i happen to agree doesn't mean that i hold
the grudge with rachel.
you know what hurts me the most?
that
you would allow this to get to you, and make me the "bad guy" because i
happen to disagree with you. i've already forgiven and forgotten about
the situation, which is why i just told it how it is. i thought that
was how you had it too, but apparently ur still angry about it too.
when did this become about "choosing sides"? aren't we all friends? albeit, not as close as before (us three) but still friends.
please
respect my opinion, not blame me/shoulder everything on to me and make
yourself seem like the "victim". because your not the only one.
me: i'm not going to argue with you.
because you're arguing a moot point.
this isn't about sides. i didn't say i was on her side.
i just said i "agreed with her".
i didn't mean it to hurt you in that way, i didn't realize how much the matter still meant to you. and how much you still harbor those feelings on this grudge. i, in no way meant it to be "your side my side". if you took it that way, i am on no ones side because there aren't any sides to begin with. this isn't a "me versus you". this involved everyone.
once again, i just said what i believed and thought, my own opinion.
you know who's making this about "sides"?
you are.
rachel may have said it, but she doesn't mean it the same way you are.
and you know what else best friends don't do?
they don't get pissed off because their best friends doesn't agree with them, or atleast "picks sides".
ryan:fine, u know what, i'm not arguing u or whatever either. ok, i told u that u hurt me and i'm not trying to make u seem like the bad guy ok? do u not get that? i try to tell u that and u hurt me. just like when u doubt our friendship, that hurts. u know, i may have been hanging out with erilyn a lot, but at least she's able to realize that when a friend is hurt by anything, the best thing to give is a hug and not an arguement. by the way, i got u a fucking tolberone bar for u tomorrow "best friend"
so this is all of it.
and then nothing else afterwards. but then today, it was like nothing happened, and i was going to stop him to talk about it, but yah, didnt, because it seemed like it was all either a.) forgotten b.) ignored c.) avoided because lunch today was like normal, like how it used to be before. which is weird, but, i'm not complaining.
but i'm still confused, is this done and over with? or is it still going? because if its still going, i gotta get through it. i mean, if ryan wants to forget about it, completely fine with me. i mean, everyone does stupid stuff when they're angry right? but i won't know until i ask i guess.
TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY! :D
