15 posts from September 2008

bites me in the ass, big time, again.

so its not like i'm being a complete bitch to madeline, or really treating her any differently than she treats me, basically with indifference and ignorance (really, if i don't say good morning or hi, she just won't talk to me).
but today, i was a complete and total idiot and printed out and did the prelab for the next lab, not this one, so i basically walked into my chem lab completely and totally unaware and unprepared.
she was nice enough to share her stuff with me, let me copy her data chart and even use her calculator.
today, i survived the lab completely and totally on other peoples' generousity.
most of it of madeline, who sat next to me because we were matched up as chem lab partners.
and thats going to be switched at each of our requests.

what a mixed bag of feelings. :/

but i have learned my lesson. whatever it was supposed to be, among the numerous things i did.
i just got a huge dose of humiliation.

on the other hand...
i love how i can just tell how a girl is some guy's boyfriend based on how they stare at me as i pass by with discerning and critical eyes. i could just feel defensive territorial instincts rise off this girl in waves.
she doesn't know me, i've never even talked to her boyfriend.
i guess thats a confidence boost.

i feel like i've been doing that a lot lately.
well with food mostly, like eating about 4 cookies/snacks/junk food a day, but then a lot of fruits, and bread and meat too so maybe its just part of a healthy diet. hopefully :/
and i do my homework. its just that...eh, i'm putting off studying for my midterms for a couple of days (i started last night), when i shouldn't, because i really don't know how tough university level exams are and i don't want to do badly on my first midterm. but then most of the material is stuff i know, or have done before :/
buying that coat was indulging, like big time. but i'm returning it tom :(
and i feel like indulging again. like buying a guitar.
i try to reason in my mind practical reasons why i should and shouldn't.
because if i do buy a guitar, my parents will know nothing about it until its too late for them to really say or do or care at all about it. because my parents will seriously kill me if they found out that i spent money on a guitar, which would not have any real importance in why i'm here in college (to them).
but then i should have done that with my coat, because the coat was more useful, as in keeping me warm.
the guitar is just for me to vent and practice and have something to do when i have nothing to do. maybe a creative outlet when i'm super stressed?
i mean, i've always wanted a guitar, but then, i'm here for school.
but then again, i'm not here just for school.
i'm here to become an adult and my own person.
my logical self is saying, "NO, don't do that. in the end, the guitar will not have any real value to you, or be useful in any way to what you want to achieve in life."
but then my nonlogical self is saying, "Yes, do it. you will be able to find some kind of get away while youre in school. a venting thing. it will also be cool and add another skill to youre repertoire.  Plus, there are so many people who buy guitars in college, and end up passing it on to their kids/relatives, and then they use it.  By the way, did i mention that learning how to play an instrument has been proven to help students in school? (i'm kidding about this part :D)"
i'm hesitating for the most part because initially i will be spending my parents money.
but i do have money i saved up for college and if i physically had my money in either my bank account or my hand, i wouldn't hesitate to spend it on a good value guitar.
aw nuts >:(
i don't know what to do.

i guess thats how i can sum it all up.
talked to my mom, and i guess they all got over it or whatever, but she was nice to me on the phone and it felt good to hear her voice again :D she's just worried about me over here, on top of some other crap thats going on back home.

all i can say is
ahhhhh :D

fkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfkfk
i come back from school and voila, theres a voicemail waiting for me.
i dial my number, the generic young black woman's voice over the phone, "you have one new voice message!"
and then my mom's quiet voice interrupts her, "Hi Alex. I told you not to buy the coat, but you went ahead and asked dad anyway, to see if he would say yes and let you buy it? Its not like you're freezing over there, i gave you tons of clothes.  You're wasting money you could be saving for more important things on your jacket...(more angry words i forget what she said)"
fk.
fkfkfkfkfkfkfkfk.
first of all, my mom never said no to me or anything. i emailed and texted her and she never sent anything back. which is why i asked my dad. god, i'm not stupid or sneaky enough to do that. if u told me no, why would i bother doing all that shizz just to get a coat? trust me, i'm not stupid or desperate enough to do that.  i would want to avoid this very situation at all costs. and dad told me it was alright, which is why i got it.
and you got me tons of clothes?! i could only carry a certain amount in my luggage, and even then, it won't be enough. you were so afraid of me freezing to death out here, and you won't even let me buy clothes to make sure i don't. the coats you got me are not warm, not warm enough.
even when i'm thousands of miles away in a foreign country (yes, canada is a foreign country), i still can't get away from the strict controlling vice grip of my mom.
i understand that all the money is yours. i know i should spend it as you want me to since its not mine and was never mine to begin with. but guess what? you're not here to supervise me or see if i'm living the way you think i should be living or spending how you think i should be spending, which is why i have to learn by myself.
back home, since you were there, you were able to get me things etc etc after approving etc etc, but you're not here to do that.
i'm not going to rely on only the things i was able to fit into my luggage, and the stuff you thought would be ample enough for my survival here because i'm the one living here, not you.
and you act like my college is costing you tons of money.
and you know that you're paying way way below the average middle income parents. i mean, my tuition itself is about $12,000 less than UC schools. my room and board is a small fraction of UC board, 1/5 of the cost to be exact. which means that you are saving about $20,000 a year on me every year compared to the average socalifornian student going to a UC.
o my fkn god. why do asian parents have to be so damn stingy. and on their kids especially, its not like i ever spent your money on extravagant things ever before. 
my parents, my mom especially, take me for granted. :(
i'm a legal adult, away at college, living by myself, and i still cannot gain my own freedom.

i so want to get a job so i can have my own money to spend, how i want to where i want to when i want to >:( 

finally.
i bought something for myself.
two things actually.
a pair of etienne aigner 100% cashmere leather gloves for $30, which is a very good brand here in canada according to a friend of mine scratch that, i researched it online and apparently its a very old reputable brand for old ladies.
whatever, its warm inside and cashmere. thats all i really care about anyways. as long as it doesn't make my hands look butt ugly.

and drumroll please....
a $130 winter coat.
i'm going to call my dad and let him know. i did ask if i can buy a coat before, but he said it was up to me, and it was more expensive than this one. so it should be ok. if not though, i'm going to have to return it.
but i love it so much :( hopefully it doesn't happen.

i want freedom to buy things outside of food.
like maybe one tshirt
or one coat
or a guitar :D (is that too much to wish for?)

hopefully my parents will be understanding.
i do intend on paying everything back to them after i get out of college and make enough money to afford it.

i am going to see stars nov 28 with jack (my concert watching buddy)
i signed up for pop montreal volunteers in hopes that i'll get into the best concerts. and i'll at least get a free t shirt.

i have just discovered my love of thrift stores.
i mean, where else can you get a TY special edition teddy bear, a scarf, gloves, a wall painting and decorative masks for only $12?

winter is coming. as i type this, my fingers are stiff and i have to flex my fingers every so often to get them moving.
and i have barely typed a paragraph.
 
i finally received mail today for the first time since i moved in!!
its such a wonderful feeling, holding that package in your hand, tearing through the orange envelope and holding a little piece of home in your hands.
and even though letters are old school, they're really the best. i would much rather get a letter in the mail than an email. :D
snail mail forever :D:D

so i went downtown (montreal) for the third time and we went to chinatown to this all you can buffet.
OMFG
BEST SHIT EVER
i haven't had good chinese food since i left, so i literally have been craving it for about a week now.
so my german  friend, who has family here in montreal, took me to this place.
for $15, i can eat all the chinese food i want. including some dimsum stuff, some taiwanese stuff, some everything chinese stuff.
it wasn't the best best, but it was good. damn good. especially for the price.
i was like bowing down to my friend and thanking her a million times.
compared to royal buffet or chino buffet, they have nothing on this place. i don't even know the name, all i know is where it is. but then thats the only thing i really need to remember :D

the best thing?
no msg. period. haven't felt a single dot of numbness.
next best thing?
lunch is only $10
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

am i going to sleep past 10 on a school day. no matter how late my class is. ugh, i felt like i hadn't gotten an ounce of sleep even though i slept like 7 hours. and i ended up almost falling asleep in every single one of my classes :/

i don't feel like talking to drunk guys. i feel like talking to sober guys who aren't acting like stupid idiots all the time and actually care about doing something.

i like that at least theres one person i can talk to about more important things than "where are you going to go after school?" stuff.

one of my newly made friends on my floor is going out with this chinese guy (ugh, not good looking at all) and she wants me to meet his younger brother (who is slightly good looking in an odd way, but then thats based on facebook pictures :/) so apparently i'm invited to their house on sunday to celebrate some chinese holiday. i don't know what it is, but it seems to be around moon festival time, so maybe thats it.
tons of free chinese food, and some contact with chinese people.
theres only one chinese person on my floor i actually talk to on a daily basis.
finding out that this not-too-good-looking guy she wants to hook me up with is better than i will be expecting would be a big plus.
hey, a girl can hope can't she? :D

i feel so good, so good i feel like i'm flying, when my roomie decides to sleep in someone else's room.
is that a bad thing?
nope, i think thats normal :D
and i don't have class tom until 11:30
SCORE! :D

just 5 minutes ago, i sang scientist by coldplay along with this german guy playing the guitar in front of 3 german girls.
i was so nervous and anxious and felt like running away afterwards, but i really badly wanted to sing with someone else playing the guitar, just to see if i was any good without music.
apparently i was, they said i was good :D
just needed to be a little bit louder.
and i definitely wasn't singing my "best", i mean i almost choked up and stopped in the middle, i was so nervous.
one of them even asked me if i was in a band :D
that makes me feel good :D